My Heaven Groans

When I wake with an ache

And wish I could find immediate relief

Of the heaviness of wearing a human body

These are my heaven groans

When I feel a gap in my soul

That I cannot explain

Because I have all I should need

What I asked for

What others still pray for

These are my heaven groans

When I want what I know I cannot and should not have

And conquer my desire with pragmatism

And realism

And gratitude for what I already have

Then have to find the momentum 

To begin the same cycle days later

These are my heaven groans

When I constantly imagine a state of perfection

That I have never achieved 

Yet feel compelled to achieve

And chastise myself daily for failing to achieve

These are my heaven groans

When I can never accept 

That death is a real and irreversible thing

And feel every subsequent loss

With the added weight of each previous one

These are my heaven groans

When I catch glimpses of beauty

That make something deep inside me somersault

As if I’ve just witnessed paradise

But know I cannot hold it

Explain it

Or keep it 

These are my heaven groans

When I have moments of human connection

That make me feel whole

And light a spark in me that I’d forgotten about

But know that those moments come and go

And cannot be artificially replicated

But are worth turning up for over and over

In the hope they might happen again

These are my heaven groans

When I hear words of truth

That resonate with something in my spirit

Which was previously unseen

Unidentified

But came alive when it was given a name

These are my heaven groans

When I wonder why I am always searching

For something I’ve never known

As if a whisper of eternity

Was implanted in me from birth

Compelling me forward to a prize beyond measure 

And sweet fulfilment of every part of me

That I will never experience here on earth

These are my heaven groans

For my heaven home