The 142nd Day

 The first 141 days of 2012 were grey and oppressive

As we sat in hospital rooms watching you 

Hovering between life and death

Between heaven and earth

The line between the two never felt more transparent

We cried for you, prayed for you and implored God and doctors on your behalf

We carried you to the different buildings 

And wards that held so much hope

We said yes to every idea that might fix you

When your legs no longer worked 

We carried you from bed to bathroom 

We brought you anything we could think of that would bring you joy

When your arms no longer worked we fed you 

We followed your instructions 

You told us which colours to use in your pictures 

And where to move your game piece on the board

When your eyesight failed you

We read books and messages of hope to you

And listened to you giggle as you heard the dialogue of your favourite movies 

Picturing the characters in your mind

And finding joy

In the darkness 

When you could no longer eat

We fed you by tubes 

And felt the sweet privilege of nurturing a newborn

When every simple act of human interaction

Becomes an honour

Serving the uniqueness and fragility of another

Asking nothing in return

We would have breathed for you if we could

We even tried a temporary resurrection of our own

As if humans could attempt what only God can do

We allowed medicine to strip your body of its life source by killing off your bone marrow

And bringing in new life

Transferred from your brother’s bones

Through tubes and machines

Into yours

Replacing your very DNA

Trying to recreate you

It was one of many miracles we saw in those 141 days

But when the end came

And we knew we had to stop asking to keep you

And ask instead that you would be freed from the prison that your broken body had become

We watched the thin veil that had held you on earth for so long 

Tear away

And you went on before us

To a place we couldn’t go with you

We were picked up and carried back to our family home

Knowing it would never again be your home

Knowing your family would no longer be the ones to hold you

Knowing you no longer needed us to do all those things for you

And as my eyes were able to see beyond the one miracle we had exhausted ourselves for

I looked up.

The sky has never been as blue as that 142nd day

One colour in a thousand shades of brilliance and depth

As if the whole of heaven was celebrating the homecoming of our blue-eyed boy

Bathing the earth in colour and wonder and brilliant light

Through the broken veil 

In the greatest celebration of life I’ve ever seen

Death had had its moment

Of separating us from you

And you from your suffering 

But now in heaven and on earth 

We could celebrate your true resurrection into your new and perfect body

Thankyou for everything, my beautiful boy 

1 Corinthians 15:35-58


  1. Esther,
    I knew your story briefly as I heard you give testimony at a church many years ago. I remember then being in awe of this woman; the absolute realness of your grief and the absolute realness of your love for God. I didn’t realise that those two could coexist as beautifully as they do in your life. You don’t shy away from the difficulty - you model how it can bring us closer to God.
    After years of following you on social media, I am getting to know you as my friend as we journey together at Kingdom Company.
    Genuinely one of the loveliest women I know. Your nature is gentle, your spirit is kind yet fierce as you stand up for all kinds of injustice. I have learnt so much from you already and I cannot wait for what’s to come. Praying for you today 🥰
    Kellyann x


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