Some days are manageable – in fact, some days have really surprised me at how much joy there is in them. It helps so much that at the moment we are living in a beautiful place with lots of family around. There have been days full of sunshine, friends, barbeques, swimming, walking and laughing so hard there have been tears. These are the moments when I think the cheesy thought: ‘This is what Scooby would’ve wanted. He wouldn’t want us all to be sat here moping about him when he’s having the best time ever.’
There are other days when the ache won’t go and little tiny things that by-pass everyone else make me think of moments with him that I’ll never have again. Too many memories are surrounded by hospital visits, and other times that are clouded by just how difficult the last two and a half years have been. In my weakest moments, I feel so much self-pity not just that we lost him, but that we had to go through too darned much in the time leading up to losing him. I wonder if every single happy event in the future will be overshadowed by the lack of his presence. In these moments, although I do let myself cry when I need to cry, I also need to give myself the ‘It’s no use wishing things were different, because they’re not’ speech. I remind myself that the time for fighting to keep him is over. I tell myself it’s no use in doing the whole ‘What would he be doing if he were here now?’ thing, because there are too many scenarios to choose from – the ‘what if he’d never been ill?’ one, the ‘what if the brain disease had been stopped and he was on his way to recovery now?’ one, the ‘what if the final deterioration hadn’t been so fast and we’d managed to bring him home for a bit?’ one, etc etc. There were so many different stages to his illness that ‘what would he be doing now?’ is an unanswerable one anyway. Occasionally it makes us smile as we imagine his reaction to a certain thing, but most of the time it’s not a fun game to play.
There is one overriding thought that brings me back to a place of peace though, and that is Psalm 139:16. Growing up, I’d always wanted four children, and so when we found out we were expecting a fifth, I joked that Baby was our ‘bonus child’. That’s how I thought of her. But since losing Scooby, I’ve begun to realise that maybe he was our ‘bonus child’. Because the verse says, ‘Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’ Even after so long an illness, we are still in disbelief that Scooby has actually died and we will never see him here again. But it is no surprise to God. He knew all along exactly how many days Scooby would have on this earth, despite his induced early birth and the medical treatment that kept him going for so long at the end. It was three thousand, one hundred and seventy. God had them all in His book. We could have gone through life never having known Scooby, but instead God gave him to us for 3170 days. When I think of this, it reminds me not to be overwhelmed with sadness, or to try and work out what he would’ve done if he was here today, because he was never designed to be here today. It wasn’t in the book. His time was perfectly set out by a perfect heavenly Father, who knows far better than us, despite the many times I want to tell Him otherwise.
That is why, between the moments of heaviness and disbelief, I also have moments of extreme joy, because God could’ve picked anyone to look after Scooby for his 3170 earthly days, and it was us He chose. Wow.


  1. you are amazing esther. keeping you all in my thoughts. Hattie. x

  2. He was a precious gift. You were all blessed to have each other.

  3. That is my favorite psalm, it's truth has carried me through many hard times. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Esther, may the Lord keep near you all. He is showing Himself to you in a whole different way and what you are grasping from His Word is just amazing. I've never thought about that Scripture in such an amazing way, this is truly God giving you water while in the desert. For me, one of the most difficult things about letting someone you love go, is the fact that there is no place on this earth where you can meet that person. While going through my time of mourning that was one of the hardest things to face. However, I must say the Lord used time to heal me and two years later, I can truly say that there is joy in my heart when I think about my loved one and the reality that one day I will meet her again in the Presence of God. I am praying for you and loving you in Christ.

  5. A dear friend Louise-Anne lost her young son Ben to a brain tumour a year ago. The family are Christians & their struggle has been very similar to yours in so many ways, the medical treatment, the prayers, the hope. His mum has read parts of your blog, but finds it too painful to read more.
    Anyway the reason I say this is a few days before your gorgeous son died when I was praying for you all (I'm a friend of Jenny Brews) I had such a beautiful picture of my friends son Ben in heaven. He looked so gorgeous & healthy & slim with beautiful soft shiny red hair & he was glowing & beaming with an enormous smile. He was stood next to Jesus & was tugging at his robe saying "Is it time yet?, when is he coming? is he ready yet?" He was asking Jesus if your scooby was ready to come to heaven yet to play with him!! It seems unimaginable that while you were going through the most painful few days of your life saying goodbye to your son & getting ready to let him go, in heaven there was an amazingly excited & impatient little boy just longing for his playmate to arrive & wishing he would hurry up!
    I have shared this picture with Ben's mum, & I hope it gives you some comfort too. Those two little boys must be having so much fun together :-)
    Bless you all Xxxxx

  6. Two things have struck me. We always live in the 'now' and for God every day is now. So all those precious days with Scooby will always be as real as the days you lived them. Every moment with him has been precious for its own sake and your memories are not mere memories, they are burned into your life and part of what you are is because of him. Jesus said that God was the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - the God of the living, not the dead. He is the God of Scooby and in Him he lives.

    My other thought was that Scooby had a wound that could not be cured in this world. You now have a wound that also cannot be cured in this world. One day you will meet again and you will both be made whole. Its a beautiful symmetry.

  7. I love you. I love that God chose you to take care of Scooby for his 3170 days. I love that he has chosen to let you look after a whole bunch of mini-Scholes' and I lovr that you share them with me :)

  8. Esther you blow me away with your honesty and your faith. Bless you and we keep on praying every morning and whenever we remember you throughout the day xx

  9. You know, I think you are one incredible lady, in one incredible family. You are so brave, so honest and so real. I love you Esther. And do you know, as I was reading this tonight, with my noisy (oh SO noisy) 5 & not-quite-7 year old boys roaring around my lounge, and as I contemplated Scooby's 3170 days (figuring that DD has not even reached that figure yet, and how few days that really seems) it dawned on me that heaven would not be such a great place if there were no children there! Much as some days I might crave peace and quiet I know if life was too quiet for too long, I would equally crave some noise! I'm reminded of a seriously old little ditty we used to sing on youth camp;
    "Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with Glory and Grace. I wanna see my Saviour's face, Coz' Heaven is a wonderful place!" ~ made all the more wonderful I'm sure, by the presence of children! If we were all to lived to a grand old age, then Heaven would be filled with only the old ~ but the best of family occasions are when all the generations gather together and enjoy each other's company. Much as death is the end of this fleeting life, we know it is just the beginning of eternity.

    I don't how much water my 'theology' holds, but it's what struck me as I read your blog tonight. When I get to heaven, I will certainly be sure to enjoy watching the children play, listening to some of Scooby's stories, and cuddling the cute babies who my friends and family have lost to this life before they were even born :D

    God Bless You. You remain in our prayers.xxxx

  10. well, again your words speak volumes...ive been praying joy in expected places...sounds like you've had some of that...

    been praying comfort and peace...sounds like you've had some of that...

    been praying wisdom...and sounds like you have found God's beautiful wisdom...with your 3170 days thoughts...

    love you all so...and will continue all the prayers...

    take a hug from me...
    and rest in the WHOLE blanket of REST from the FATHER UP ABOVE...

    loving you all always....

  11. Esther,

    I am not a Christian, but I am the mother of a little boy who died almost a quarter of a century ago, when I was just a young girl of 23, and without a faith to lighten my days.

    This weekend I attended the wedding of a friend's son, who was a baby with my little baby boy. Another friend's son, also born at the same time as my lost baby, became a daddy this week. I have celebrated with them, but thought longingly of my long lost baby boy.

    I wept last night, for the first time in many years, but not just for my lost baby boy, for his brother, who has gone to work abroad for a few months. I miss him already.

    My point is, I can tell you that the years ahead will bring you many happy moments. You will always remember and miss
    Scooby, but those moments of despair will end. So will the moment after waking in the morning, when You feel ok, then you remember. And you have your faith, which I haven't. I wish you happiness, joy, and happy memories of your boy.

  12. This was beautifully said. I feel blessed to have read it.

    I would love to repost this with your permission on the devotional site that I write for. If it okay, email me at The site is Drops Of Living Water and we write inspiration for moms of young children as they seek to be more devoted to Christ.

  13. Dearest Esther,
    even if you can't see it, I think it's easy for others to see why God chose you to be Scooby's family. In 2010 I was very ill- and for a while there I had to consider who might raise my kids 'for me' if I had to leave them with the job only half-done. Even people I love very much just 'weren't right' for one reason or another, and making that choice was hard. But if I knew then what I know now, and if we had been closer both in distance and also in depth of friendship, so that I felt I COULD ask, then you guys would've made an amazing choice. I would've trusted you to raise them knowing and growing in Jesus, making the life choices that would bring them safely to eternity, and teaching them it's good to have fun along the way. In short, I'd have trusted you to get it right.
    Looks like our Father did exactly that, both with your 'bonus child' Scooby, and your other lovely four. God is wise indeed.
    Love, and blessings.

  14. You have it together, you are focused and you see the joy and sorrow that his life was, You have a handle on your feelings and u put into words for me, perfectly.
    Thank you for sharing with us.

  15. Dear Esther
    I was lucky enough to be at Cherish with you these past few days. I have never met you as such, but now I know some details of your journey from the video shown at ALC. You know a little of my story as I shared it in tonight's opener about God's love. My loss was my husband, not my child, but still I know how God's love will help you and your beautiful family. He is watching your back, helping you all along, and all the while Scooby is in Heaven being looked after too.
    Enjoy your gift from the Cherish Foundation.
    With love and prayers
    Anna Head

  16. hugs and prayers. you are an amazing woman of God. You mirrored exactly what king david did when he heard his son had died. (charlotte s talk) he worshipped just like you. God bless you and your family as you bless others with your story.

  17. Esther you are such an inspiration.I have an adult daughter (my only child) who suffers crippling depression. I struggle to cope and help her. Reading your blog has helped me to understand I don't have to - God has her in His hands. My peace has returned.
    God Bless you and your family
    Jenny Filby


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